Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People

This book is an absolute classic, and after putting it off for a long time, I finally finished reading it.

The philosophy conveyed in the book is somewhat like transforming yourself into an altruist. I tend to consider myself an altruist, and I truly believe that this kind of personality trait makes it much easier to make friends and influence others.

The book is divided into four main sections:

• Fundamental Techniques
• Ways to Make People Like You
• How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
• How to Be a Leader

1. Fundamental Techniques

1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
2. Give them what they want. Here are the things people crave:
   • Food and sleep
   • Health
   • Money
   • A good life
   • Sexual fulfillment
   • The well-being and health of their children
   • The feeling of importance / being valued
3. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
4. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
5. The best way to make people like you is to “become genuinely interested in other people.”
6. Remembering other people’s birthdays and expressing gratitude is a great practice.

2. Ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. The power of a smile.
3. Remember a person’s name as best you can.
4. Be a good listener.
5. Make the other person feel important.

3. How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.” I don’t entirely agree with this. I believe debating in an atmosphere of mutual respect can be beneficial and may even deepen relationships. However, trivial arguments can certainly be overlooked.
2. Don’t try to prove someone wrong or adopt a smug “I’m smarter than you” attitude; it doesn’t help resolve issues or maintain relationships.
3. When attempting to point out someone’s mistake, you can preface it with “I may be wrong; I frequently am.” You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong.
4. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
5. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is something many people fail to master their entire lives.
6. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
7. Appeal to the nobler motives. This is a wonderful perspective—you can prompt reflection by appealing to higher, nobler motives.
8. Dramatize your ideas: Bring your ideas to life and make them vivid. A lack of dramatization can weaken your message.

4. Be a Leader

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation before pointing out someone’s mistake.
2. How to criticize without being hated: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes first.
4. No one likes taking orders: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face: Never humiliate anyone in public.
6. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
7. Use encouragement: Make the fault seem easy to correct.
8. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Reflections

I feel this book highlights many subtleties I hadn’t noticed before. Some points feel like fundamental common courtesy, while others seem almost overly altruistic—to the point where you might easily be taken advantage of. Still, I think having a more open mind and allowing myself to trust others more easily could lead to many pleasant surprises.

I’ve always considered myself one of the less fortunate ones. I never had a mentor to teach me how to manage interpersonal relationships or make friends, and from elementary school through college, I barely had any friends. It wasn’t until recent years, through reading and internalizing knowledge, that I began to change.

Speaking of which, I’d like to share something that happened to me recently.

On Instagram, I rarely reply to Stories from anyone other than close friends. But one day, I saw a Story from a YouTuber I follow, and since I happened to have relevant experiences to share, I casually replied. To my surprise, he actually replied back and started chatting with me. We talked a lot about the ins and outs of living and working in Japan.

He’s a YouTuber with hundreds of thousands of subscribers. To him, I was just one of countless fans—a total stranger. Yet he trusted that I wasn’t some weirdo and was willing to chat with me for that long. That casual interaction had quite an impact on me. If I had just scrolled past and said nothing, wouldn’t that mean none of this would have happened?

There’s no shame in being an opportunist. I love genuine human connections, and I’ve received quite a few opportunities through my network. I cherish everything I have now, and I hope to put more of the book’s advice into practice—not by forcing myself, but because I truly want to.

My life experiences have left me somewhat guarded about trusting strangers. Both my family and I have suffered from being deceived by strangers and have paid heavy prices for simply trying to be “good people.”

After finishing this book, I wrote an email to Jake and Surma from HTTP 203—a Google Developers show I’ve followed for a long time. It mainly covers web development and browser internals, delving deep into technical topics while keeping things witty and humorous, and I’ve learned a ton from it. After a day or two, both of them replied. I wasn’t asking for a referral or anything like that; I just wanted to express my sincere appreciation.

The passing of Liang Geliang and Chen Hao reminded me that if you don’t express your gratitude in time, you might never get the chance. Both of their blogs were resources I referenced frequently during my student days. If you have creators, influencers, friends, or family members you admire and want to thank, don’t hesitate to write them a letter or an email—the impact can be truly wonderful. (You’re also welcome to drop an email to my inbox!)