Social Anxiety

I am terrible at socializing. I still remember how, back in college, I would subconsciously avoid running into classmates on campus—avoiding eye contact, taking the long way around, or simply hiding in the library.

I dislike the awkward atmosphere of small talk, and I hate that feeling of uncertainty. I once told myself that I couldn’t keep going on like this. I went to social events, worked up the courage to strike up conversations with people, and packaged myself as an extrovert. Even though after years of practice and attending numerous events I can now converse smoothly with strangers I’ve just met, deep down I still feel deeply uncomfortable. For me, this kind of socializing drains an immense amount of energy.

One thing I’ve learned over the past few years is to cut myself some slack—maybe this is just how I am socially. If talking face-to-face doesn’t work well for me, writing articles should be fine, right?

Looking closely at the reasons, I think a big part of it stems from uncertainty: I don’t know what the other person truly thinks of me, how well I understand them, what their likes and dislikes are, or what common ground we share. These are things you have to uncover step by step through conversation when meeting for the first time, and I really dislike that process. I worry that what I say is too boring, yet talking too much might come across as showing off. How do you strike the right balance? Especially in face-to-face interactions, where you witness every subtle shift in someone’s facial expressions, all these sensations leave me feeling intensely awkward.

To me, being able to cultivate relationships and be trusted by others is something truly precious.

Lately, I’ve also been trying to take the initiative and reach out, inviting people I’ve interacted with online for a long time—but never met in person—out for a meal and a chat. While it is still awkward and still brings anxiety, avoiding it won’t make things any better. You can’t control someone else’s body language or what they think of you, but at the very least, you can control your own actions.