The Secret to Communication — Speak Less, Listen More

Whether at work or in society as a whole, the atmosphere is very tense. As a result, everyone is too busy to have the time, or even the ability, to listen to what others are saying, and instead only wants to say what they themselves want to say.

I only realized this by accident over the past two years. Even though I’ve mentioned the games and singers I like, my coworkers would still ask about them again and again, or never really take them in at all. At gatherings, everyone just repeats the same topics, and I can’t help but smile wryly.

I’m still learning how to listen, but I’ve found that doing it well is incredibly difficult. A lot of people can’t even listen properly.

1. They don’t actually want to hear you out; they’re already prepared to argue back.
2. They appear to be listening, but nothing really sinks in.
3. They do listen, but forget everything right after. Or they ask irrelevant questions.
4. They truly listen, digest, organize, and ask follow-up questions.

What I’ve recently come to realize is this: if what you want to share with a friend takes more than a minute to say, consider writing it down or recording it. Most people can nod along depending on the situation, but what was said 30 seconds ago may already be forgotten in the moment.

Part of this is because the nature of sound makes information easy to lose; but the more fundamental reason is probably that most people simply don’t want to listen to you talk.

That also has to do with how important you are to them, and it’s possible they just don’t want to spend effort on you. (Still, let’s not discuss that situation for now; this is mainly from a workplace perspective.)

Another point is that after turning thirty, you’re no longer young. If you talk too much, you start to sound preachy. Younger people may not interrupt you, but they’re not interested in your stories or your lecturing at all. To put it in Japanese: 「身の程わきまえろ（know your place）».

Sob.

The reverse is different. Listening is something most people are bad at, yet most people also want to be listened to. In other words, in the workplace, the secret to successful communication is: speak less, listen more.

But what if you feel that what you’re saying is the right answer? You need to consider a few situations:

• A gap in understanding or information
• I cannot be wrong

If the reason you think you’re right is a gap in understanding or information, then the key to communication is simple: align the information on both sides. Because in communication, this is actually very common—you may truly be holding key information or context that the other person doesn’t know.

Be aware of the Dunning-Kruger effect. People with lower ability, lacking metacognitive awareness, tend to overestimate their level and fail to recognize their own mistakes.

This is also a common phenomenon in the workplace: if you often think other people are idiots, maybe you’re the idiot. The Dunning-Kruger effect is hard to notice in yourself, so start by paying attention to your surroundings and carefully choosing what information you take in.

Sometimes, it really is that everyone else is an idiot. If you often find yourself making that observation, there’s no need to keep grinding away in the workplace—you can move to a place with more smart people, or just start a business and become the boss yourself. If you’re really right, the business should do pretty well.

“I cannot be wrong” will be discussed in a later section.

Listening

I divide listening into two levels: understanding and empathy.

Empathy is the hardest, but also the highest level of communication. Usually, only after empathy emerges are we willing to listen to each other’s perspectives. For the sake of the following discussion, let’s first assume a normal work environment where everyone is striving to deliver a better product.

A very common situation in development is discussion about frameworks, system design, or feature implementation. When there is disagreement, how is it usually resolved? The situations I often see are:

• Both sides insist they are right and neither is willing to budge
• Compromise under the pressure of authority

Even when it’s a more experienced manager, if you know a certain design is bound to cause problems and you directly offer a solution, that usually isn’t effective communication. The other person may easily feel that you’re using your position to bully them or showing off on purpose.

At times like this, you can guide the other person step by step toward the right direction through understanding and questioning.

“I think your design is great. How did you plan it originally?”

“I really like that you considered permission design here.”

“Hm? If this design has to handle high-volume reads and writes, could the database get overwhelmed and bring the whole system down?”

“What happens if this asynchronous process fails?”

“I’m curious: what’s the time complexity of this approach?”

By asking questions, you guide the other person toward the direction you want, and do your best to let them feel, after finding the solution, that “these were all ideas I came up with myself.” Only when you fully understand the other person and do not assume a fixed position does communication become meaningful.

The purpose of listening is to achieve the best result. For the best result, I don’t insist on my own method, I don’t care whether the credit is mine, and I don’t care if I get proven wrong.

Reaching this state is what truly means understanding the essence of communication.

I Cannot Be Wrong

This is the mindset many developers have when they lower themselves or fear losing face. In such cases, “right or wrong” is no longer important, because it has already turned into a matter of preserving their psychological state.

For many developers, admitting a mistake is equivalent to admitting they’re stupid, admitting they failed.

To protect their self-esteem, they subconsciously resist any possibility of being shown wrong. Fear of making mistakes is also a sign of insecurity; they try to seize absolute control in certain areas.

The key to continuous growth is recognizing that you will make mistakes, and treating mistakes as valuable opportunities for growth.

If I were to count the mistakes I’ve made in my development career, there are far too many to tally. But precisely because of that, I’ve accumulated a great deal of experience and know what to do differently next time. Many well-known developers have also said in different settings that they make mistakes often.

Many people will argue that if that’s the case, then making mistakes doesn’t matter. But in development or on projects, there’s nothing that can never go wrong. Without context, it’s hard to generalize. It just depends on whether you’re willing to bear the consequences of being wrong.

Especially in an era where AI keeps evolving, a lot of experience may no longer hold up today. Sometimes the views raised by younger people are actually the better solution. Just like in Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End, for Fern, offensive magic is already something etched into her very bones.

Only by letting go of the obsession with being right can you achieve the best result.

(Everyone here is a reasonable person, so please don’t interpret this section as saying we should just do things casually and accept that mistakes will happen anyway.)

Facts or Opinions

There is no right or wrong at the level of positions and values. Many times, what we’re arguing about isn’t a “fact” with a standard answer at all, but a subjective “opinion.”

And one source of conflict in communication is confusing facts with opinions:

• Fact: “This cup of coffee is 90°C.”
• Opinion: This cup of coffee is too hot and doesn’t taste good.

Many people defend their own “opinions” as if they were unquestionable “facts.”

When a conversation touches on a person’s core values, it is no longer a logical debate.

These beliefs are deeply tied to personal identity; challenging their views feels like attacking the person themselves. In such situations, there can hardly be a conclusion of “right or wrong”—only a difference in positions.

Conclusion

I think a pretty useful metric is: how often are you genuinely curious about what other people think?

If you’re often curious about what other people think, there’s a good chance you’ve already grasped the essence of communication. If you often think other people are idiots and that your own solution is the only correct one, there’s a good chance you still don’t know how to communicate.