I'm not good at socializing. I still remember how, in college, I would subconsciously avoid running into classmates on campus, avoiding eye contact, intentionally taking detours or simply hiding in the library.

I dislike the awkward atmosphere of small talk and I detest that feeling of uncertainty. I've told myself that I can't continue like this and have tried participating in social activities, mustering up the courage to strike up conversations and chat with people, presenting myself as outgoing.

Although after years of practice and attending numerous events, I can now confidently engage in conversations with strangers, deep down, I still feel uneasy. For me, socializing is an energy-draining task.

One thing I've learned over these years is to be kind to myself, perhaps this is just how I am in social situations. Since face-to-face communication doesn't come naturally to me, writing articles seems to be a better option.

However, upon closer examination, I believe a large part of my discomfort stems from uncertainty. I don't know how others perceive me, how well I understand them, their preferences, interests, dislikes, and what common topics we may have. These are things that need to be discovered through conversation during initial meetings, but I dislike this process.

I fear that what I say may be boring or that I may talk too much and come across as showing off. I struggle with finding the right balance, especially in face-to-face interactions where I can see the other person's facial expressions. These feelings make me feel awkward.

For me, building and maintaining relationships and earning trust is something truly valuable.

Lately, I've been trying to proactively extend goodwill by inviting people I've been communicating with online but haven't met in person to have a meal and chat. Although it can still be awkward and anxiety-inducing, avoiding the issue won't solve anything. You can't change someone's body language or their thoughts about you, but at least you can control your own actions.