Social Anxiety

I'm not very good at socializing. I still remember how, in college, I would instinctively avoid running into classmates on campus, steering clear of eye contact, intentionally taking longer routes, or simply hiding out in the library.

I don't enjoy the atmosphere of small talk, and I really dislike that feeling of uncertainty. I once told myself that I couldn't continue like this, so I attended some social events, mustering the courage to strike up conversations and present myself as extroverted. Although I've gone through several years of practice and participated in many activities, allowing me to chat easily with strangers, I still feel quite uncomfortable inside. For me, this kind of socializing requires a tremendous amount of energy.

One thing I've learned over the years is to cut myself some slack; perhaps this is just how I am socially. If face-to-face conversations are challenging for me, then surely writing articles should be manageable.

Delving into the reasons, I believe a significant part stems from uncertainty. I don't know how the other person perceives me, nor do I understand them very well—their preferences, interests, dislikes, and the common topics we might share. These are things that need to be discovered step by step through conversation when meeting someone for the first time, and I really dislike that process.

I worry that what I say might be too boring, or if I talk too much, it seems like I'm bragging. It’s tough to find the right balance, especially during face-to-face interactions where you can see people's expressions change; these feelings often make me feel awkward.

For me, maintaining relationships and being trusted is a rare and valuable thing.

Recently, I've tried actively extending goodwill by inviting some people I've communicated with online for a long time, but have never met in person, to have dinner and chat together. While it’s still awkward and anxiety-inducing, avoiding the situation won't improve it. You can't change the other person's body language or their thoughts about you, but at least you can control your own actions.